I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
