I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she told me i tasted like america
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
