Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
