I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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