I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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