You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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