Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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