i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
