Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
