then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
