Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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