Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
