I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize