6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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