She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
