I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
