I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
