I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
