I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
