a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
