why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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