Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
