I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We have started to decorate penises.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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