I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
