The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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