took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
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Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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