my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
