can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
