I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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