i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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