She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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