Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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