so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What drink are we having for lunch?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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