apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
