Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
