Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
