If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
