I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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