Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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