Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
