You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My feet surprised me
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