I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
