I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
P.S. I can't hear my feet
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
