I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
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Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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