he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So much rum. So many feels.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize