Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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