You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
