What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
