Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
