I think I am morally bankrupt
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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