Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
