Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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