i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
