You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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