In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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