he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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