Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
