Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
