Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Bring me that man meat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
