I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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