You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just high enough for therapy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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